Now before I get into the revelation that I had within the forty minutes I was gone, i need to back track just a little. Well a week actually. The last week of June was the week that I had been excited yet crazed about for months! It started with it being the week of my daughters dance recital, which involves a years worth of work, thousands of dollars being invested and one manic child who cannot wait to put on her make up, costumes, and dance shoes and do what she does best. Then, just because that wasn't enough, we decided that it would be the week that we would host our 1st Annual 5k Fun Run. We had a fantastic theme being the Red Carpet Run, great tee shirts, props and an awesome venue. We scheduled a pre-race packet pick up party and went all out. I was so excited to be using my part time business of fitness and helping others get healthy into my full time career environment. But the weather was terrible and many of the volunteers didn't show. We had to move the modified course indoors for our residents who are all a part of the ID population and require a little extra TLC. And on top of all of it, there were two birthday parties and fathers day. The point of all of this being, that I had to be at my best for all of it. There was not one part of the week where I was not running at full speed performance level. So then Sunday night rolls around and into Monday and I am dragging. My body doesn't want to do a lot and my mind wants to do even less. I feel like I have a dark cloud hanging over me that is starting to suck me in. I start slacking on my meal prepping, I am not at full speed with my workouts, and my work performance feels like I am taking a back seat when I should be in hustle mode since its the last week in my old position, and starting Monday, I become part of the administration. It should be exciting...but I'm not feeling it.
So I'll take it back even just a little further, just for a minute. My education and career is about people. It's about personalities, working with them, teaching them, motivating them, everything! But I have never been able to do this with myself consciously until today. Well tonight actually, as I was running. I started to piece it all together. I learned yesterday during a course I was taking that I was an enthusiast. That I thrive off of positive energy, that I like to give everything my all, especially when its new and exciting. I get easily board with the small tasks because I like to think big - dream big - and make stuff happen. Not by planning, more just by doing. I like to go into a crowded room and take control of it. Funny thing about me though is that I hate one on one conversation and find it completely awkward but I can handle a room like a pro. weird...I know.
So today, as I was running I was thinking about what I learned yesterday in this class I took and something I learned about a couple years ago and paid no mind too. I am an enthusiast introvert. I didn't know what it was or how it applied to me but I realized today that just because those are the types of environments and events that I crave and live for, they are not where I get my energy. My energy comes from being away from all that, being with my family, curling up with a book, running with nothing but my music, playing with my children with no agenda. Thats where it builds and then when it's showtime, I m able to put it all out there and give it all that stored energy so that it exceeds my expectations when it comes to life experiences and that I make it an awesome memory. But after that, I need to pull it back in and recharge in my little bubble. I often thought of this feeling I have right now as depression, and I am sure that in some capacity it is. Likely in medical terms, its the serotonin in my brain being depleted and needing to replenish, which is in fact depression. However tonight, after realizing that this is how my personality has always been and that these "depressive" bouts are usually preceded by major things that require me to be "ON" that I may be able to have better control of it. I can see it for what it is and not use the excuse that I am a stress eater or that I feed my depression with food. It's just part of my cycle, part of me, and a part that I am finally able to see and be aware of! I feel like by coming to this realization, I can get through it and get out it quicker. By doing the activities that are mindless yet good for the soul, I can recoup faster. I feel like getting to understand me and how I work can be a game changer in mood swings and in my recovery!
